


Ace in the Hole

by gutterlow



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Asexual Character, M/M, ace - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-05-15 07:09:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5776288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gutterlow/pseuds/gutterlow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>–Or rather closet. Hal finally gets a body, but there's something wrong with it. Or, as he firmly believes, something wrong with him. There isn't much the droid can do but push himself- and Dirk- to get to a solution. However, the black and white truths Hal is facing may be more gray than he thinks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

TG: Ey love mama lemme whisper in your ear ;-)

TT: What do you want, Roxy?

TG: You're so devoid of excitement it physically pains me dirk

TG: Pains me

TG: Physically

TG: I am physically in pain

TT: Did you need something or.

TG: Well duh

TT: Lalon, I'm a little busy.

TG: Ooooo are you still working on your super secret project thingy mc bob

TT: Yes, I'm still working on my super secret project thingy mc bob.

TT: Even though you know exactly what it is.

TT: In fact I'm pretty sure everyone does, it was a terribly kept secret.

TG: I feel like you blame me, do you blame me 

TT: You only told everyone.

TG: You blame me, you really do blame me

TT: Rox I don't blame you.

TG: Oh woe is me, i am so full of woe

TT: You're so full of shit.

TG: That's rude dirk :-(

TG: :-(

TG: :,-(

TG: Your words hurt me

TT: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

TG: Uhm wowee look at you give yourself a medal you can recite nursery crap

TT: I will give myself a medal, and it'll be for something way better than that.

TG: Oh yeah and for what being the biggest jerky jerk dirk

TT: No. For building a god damn robot.

TG: Uhm sweetie you've done that before

TG: several times in fact

TT: Okay, fuck you Lalon. But I meant I finished.

TG: oooooooo

TG: Do I get to see?

TT: No.

TG: whaaaat

TG: :,-(

TG: You're so cruel to me

TT: I know.

TG: You're supposed to love me

TG: Where's the love Dirk

TT: Somewhere so far up my ass I threw it up.

TG: Ew

TT: Love is gross.

TG: Whatever dirka dirk. just show mama the goods

TT: Fine. I'll show you the goods.

TG: Mama

TT: What?

TG: You'll show mama the goods.

TT: I'm showing you the goods.

TG: Mama.

TG: You're showing mama the goods.

TT: I.

TT: I'm showing mama the goods.

TG: Awh what a sweet boy now show me already you little penis

TT: Why are we friends.

\---

Dirk doesn't wait to read the next reply, and pushes himself back from his desk a wide grin on his face. The Strider had always been fond of Roxy's banter, regardless of how childish it could get. With a quiet hum he adds on the finishing touches to his latest project. Li'l Hal. The grin on his face widens as he runs his fingers along the soft, flesh like coverings he used for the AI's skin. His eyes slowly look over the completed project, allowing the daunting fact it's actually finished to sink in. The droid's hair is much like Dirk's in the sense of style, but the color differentiates in that the locks are a soft pale peach, closer to bleach than the dirty blonde of Dirk's hair. His head tilts to the side, lip sticking out in disappointment. The droid was on the small side, due to lack of material. This was upsetting to Dirk but it wasn't too bad, it was at least a complete form. His eyes darted to the scrap pile he had depleted for this, shaking his head, a little more upset. There would be time for restocking later, he thought to himself as he started running Hal's needed programs. His fingers drummed along his wrecked workspace, waiting in anticipation for him to start up. Red lights flickered behind the shades before blinking into focus, and dying out. The fingers flexed, the hand raising a little hesitantly. Dirk's face broke out into a wide grin.

"There ya go, c'mon. Jus' stretch 'em out. Getta' nice feel for it, 'nd shit." He spoke in a soft and encouraging tone, too excited to make a snide remark.

"Mnh- Mmtrying-" Attempting to speak the droid turned its head to face Dirk.

Opening then closing its mouth, the bot repeated this action several times finding a little trouble in controlling his jaw. He shot the other a pleading glance.

"S'alright, take yer time." A hand moved to rub the droid's arm in an effort to comfort him.

The motion was appreciated and worked a great deal to calm the building feel of tension in Hal's stomach. He lowered his arm and gripped the cushions of the chair he was seated on. Lifting his gaze, he saw everything clearly for the first time. Dirk's room was messier than the last he'd seen it, with spare parts and clothes and magazines and other items littering the floor. If Texas hadn't any possibility of getting tornados, Hal would have sworn that's what hit Dirk's room. The walls were almost invisible under all his posters and photos, which were hanging everywhich way or peeling off altogether. The bed, if one could call it that, was a heap of blankets and pillows. Sheets were dragging against the ground and loosely clinging to the bed. In short, it was messy. Very messy. Resolving to clean it, after getting adjusted, Hal stood. Those first few steps were off and poorly taken, but after walking around a little he finally managed to stay steady on his feet. As Hal wondered around the room, Dirk kept his eyes locked on the droid. Concern kept his brows furrowed together, a little unsure what would happen himself. The body seemed to be working, and Hal looked utterly delighted. Exhaling slowly, Dirk allowed himself to relax. Hal was fine. And couldn't stop touching everything. A few hours had passed since he was introduced to the world of senses, and touching seemed to be his favored one. Couches, walls, curtains, chsirs, tables, Dirk's hair, plates, Dirk's hands, ice.. Most everything and anything in the house. Everytime something with a different feel met Hal's grasp, his face would light up. His eyes would literally light up, the faint glow of red brightening into a steady beam until dimming down as his excitement subdued. Dirk lost track how many times this had happened somewhere after the fifteenth. The suns warm rays faded into the night, and all the late nighters and lost sleep finally caught up to Dirk. Taking Hal's hand he tugged him to his room, settling the droid down at his charging station. He really didn't expect Hal to sleep, but he at least wanted to keep him out of trouble.

"Jus' stay here for tha' night, alright? We'll talk an' test ya out more tomorrow. Soun' good?"

Eagerly nodding in response, he waved Dirk off. "Sounds delightful. Now go get your rest. You look like shit."

"Thanks."

"You are very welcome, dearest companion."

Grinning tiredly Dirk crawled into bed, settling down comfortably. Hal watched the rise and fall of Dirk's chest, taking note of how it slowed as the boy fell asleep. There wasn't a need for Hal to sleep yet, given he'd just been "awoken." He spent a good few minutes sitting and debating on what would be the best use of his time, and he finally settled on adjusting to the "meat suit."

Timidly he stood and left Dirk's room, a hand trailing along the wall as he padded quietly to the kitchen. Why the kitchen? He wasn't hungry. In fact he wasn't sure if eating was a function he had. He paused. What functions did he have. Knowing Dirk, he assumed that anything he could do, Hal could do. This of course had to be explored. His eyes dropped down. With a disgruntled noise he quickly raised his eyes up to the cieling. There was definitely something down there. Casting his gaze back down he eyed up the slight bulge. Was it functionable? Or a mere accessory? Even perhaps a gag. Only one way to find out, really..

———

It was functionable.  
But it didn't work... right.  
After exploring the limits of the appendage, Hal found himself feeling nothing. Nothing he had found worked to really "excite" the droid, even after the hours of scouring the Internet. Dirk must have made a mistake somewhere. A bit scornfully Hal scoffed. Of course there was a mistake. That was the only viable explanation as to why that wasn't... working. Sitting back, his tounge nervously swept his lips as he thought over what had happened. The videos and images he found had done nothing, he was forced to use his hand to get himself up. Perhaps I didn't find the right.. imagery, he mulled silently, scrunching up his nose as he thought of everything he looked at. The amount of time this had taken slipped his notice. Hal was completely unaware of the hours he spent searching for something. Anything. In the end yielding nothing. Shaking his head and gathering his thoughts, Hal replayed his actions, picking out every detail. No imagery served to arouse him, and when he had begun to pump there was no real... feeling to it. It didn't hurt, or feel bad, but it didn't feel good. He wouldn't choose to do it. Panic settled in the pit of his stomach. He was defective already. Could it be him, and not the body? The panic began to bubble over, spilling out his mouth in a shallow pant. Dirk was still asleep. But pestering him wouldn't hurt to try.

\-- AR [autoResponder] began pestering TT [timaeusTestified] --

AR: Dirk.

AR: Would you happen to be awake?

AR: A simple yes would do.

AR: Goddammit how much sleep do you need.

AR: Wake up.

AR: So help me, I will start blaring like an alarm clock.

AR: Not one of those quiet little beeps.

AR: No, no.

AR: I will be a loud as shit BEEP BEEP BEEP fucker.

AR: You are waning my patience thin.

AR: To be fair, I warned your meat stick ass.

AR: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

TT: Fucking Jesus Christ shitting on a Christmas tree I'm up.

TT: What do you want.

AR: I need a favor.


	2. Chapter 2

AR: I need a favor.

Sitting back Dirk groaned, running a hand through his hair. Six am. Way too early for this kind of bullshit. His fingers slowly typed a response back, the phone heavy in his grip.

TT: A favor.

AR: Yes, are you blind? That's what the text says, doesn't it dumbass?

The other's response was immediate, and gave Dirk no time to lower the screen.

TT: For someone who's asking for help, you sure are being a dick.

AR: I didn't ask for your opinion I asked for your help.

TT: I'm not feeling necessarily inclined to give it, pal.

TT: I'm kind of dead fuckin tired.

AR: You certainly look it.

TT: Goodbye.

\-- TT [timaeusTestified] ceased pestering AR [autoResponder] --

He tosses his phone down and looses it somewhere along the sheets. A true tragedy. Rolling over Dirk presses his face into the pillow, jerking a corner of the blanket covering him over his head. Twelve hours. That's all he wanted. Twelve hours. Why was that so much to ask for. Hal attempted to pester him a few more times, but Dirk didn't hear his phone buzzing among the blankets. He managed to scrap together those twelve hours of undisturbed sleep, finally rousing when his phone managed to work its way next to Dirk's face.

/BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP/

Fuck. Mother fuck. He sat up, throwing his pillow to the floor with a loud disgruntled noise. Fucking hell, Hal. His feet swung over and kissed the ground, taking heavy steps to the hallway. He was awake now, and Dirk supposed it wouldn't hurt to see what the droid wanted, assuming he still required Dirk's assistance.

"Where are you man?" He called out, squinting against the darkness.

"The kitchen."

Grumbling the rest of the short walk to the kitchen, Dirk bumped the door open with a foot. He tried not to sound whiney, but his tired and cranky mind really wasn't going to let that happen. "What do you want?"

Hal looked over from his position on the chair, knees pressed to his chest as he huddled over his figure. His circuits glew dimly, offering a soft glow in the bleak black. He had grasped how to speak clearly, and spoke with a small voice, still a little timid. "I think I'm defective."

The abrasive stance that carried Dirk dropped, a gentleness in his movements as he wrapped himself around Hal, chin resting against the droid's shoulder. His lips were pursed in a tight line, brows furrowed. He brooded in his thoughts for a moment before speaking up. "Why do you think that?"

"I- Well, it's," he stuttered over the words, "I'm simply- You must have- I'm not right!" He shouted, eyes squeezing shut, lights shutting off, leaving both boys in darkness. Dirk was quiet. The sudden rise in the other's volume had startled him, but he didn't allow it to show. His own muffled concerns began to rise, throat tightening in fear of the thought. /Hal was a mirror of myself, but he developed his own personality. He shouldn't necessarily developed everything I have./ His face paled. /Such as my intense self loathing./

Dirk himself began to stutter as he broke the silence. "Can you- be specific? What isn't- right?"

At this point, Hal's face was pressed against his knees, hands covering the back of his head and tangling themselves in the locks. He gave a small shake of his head, and attempted to burrow down deeper into himself. Dirk moved back just enough to watch the other squirm, worry lacing his expression. /Oh, Hal. I'm so sorry./ Guilt dropped like a stone in Dirk's stomach. If Hal did have those.. issues it'd be difficult, and likely extremely time consuming, but Dirk could manage to remove the coding. Or at least start on some sort of help, so it didn't get to be a crippling problem for the kid. He moves out and crouches in front of Hal, placing his hands on the other's feet, giving them a soft squeeze.

"Hey, Hal, can you look at me?"

He doesn't move.

"Please. I need to know what's wr-" he stops himself, "what you think is wrong."

Hal's head lifts a little, eyes peeking above his arms.

"I can try to fix it. But I need somethin' to fix, yeah?"

Hal nods his head a little, and presses his face back down in his arms.

"Can ya tell me what it is 'm tryin' to fix?" Dirk keeps his voice patient and as gentle as he can manage, a hand moving to shadow his worried eyes.

The other's figure is trembling now, his head lifting up and chin resting on his forearm.

"I was.. exploring my body. And I found that," his eyes drop down, "it doesn't function properly. Although I'm unsure if it is the suit itself or perhaps my own malfunctioned coding." He paused for a moment, thinking back to what happened. "I wasn't sure if the genitals you supplied me with worked as yours word, and of course, I tested them out. They served to function fine. It took me a very long time but I managed to get it up, and then proceeded to pump as I've seen you do. But then unlike you, and unlike all the other things I've seen browsing the net, I didn't feel connected. It did not make me want to throw my head back and squeal as you yourself have done. I expected you to make a mistake, yes, but not over something like this. I assumed you'd make sure my dick was the one proper functioning item."

During Hal's explanation, Dirk had flushed a dark red. However the dark room and Hal's red lights hid it perfectly. The flesh boy's worries dropped, and he snickered from the relief of the matter. Hal took that the wrong way, and closed back up immediately.

Chiming in quickly, Dirk prodded the other's knee. "Hey, hey, hold on, I ain't laughin' at you."

He stubbornly keeps his face hidden.

"Hal, c'mon I know how to fix yer issue."

The bait goads him to show his face.

"Ya may jus' not like jackin' off. Plen'ya guys don't."

He furrowed his brows.

"Don' gimme that look. Listen, maybe we can get ya somethin' else besides yer hand to try out."

His frown softens to a look of curiosity.

"Yeah, yeah, I've got shit ya can use," Dirk's warming up to the idea now, glad for the shift in Hal's mood, "an' you said yerself it's an experiment. We jus' gotta find what ya like."

Hal's lips turn up in a smile, his shoulder's trembles ceasing. Dirk's idea made perfect sense. Some of the articles he read did mention the sensation was different for everyone, and could required different things.

"An' I'll help ya out, bro. I'm sort of an expert in the art of jacking off."

He laughs a little, Dirk joining in after a moment. Hal leans forward, looping his arms around Dirk's neck and squeezing gently. Staying there for a moment he muttered a thank you. Pulling back, Hal's earlier enthusiasm started to return, his circuits glowing a bright cherry.

"You'll really help me?"

"Course I will."

"With anything I need?"

"Hell yeah."

Hal grinned a little mischievously.

"Go get the biggest dildo you have."

Dirk eyed the back of Hal's head nervously, suddenly very aware of the power he just handed over. Oh, god.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hal.,, you silly baby.
> 
> well the next chapter is gonna be fun ;0


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning;,. robo and human peen in this chap :v

Roxy Lalonde could take a lot of things. She could take the fact she was extremely attractive, and that people would hate her for it. And the fact she was extremely intelligent, and that people would hate her for that too. The one thing she couldn't take was being blown off by her best buddy broham Dirk. The girl wasn't happy about being left in the dark for so long. And she let Dirk know exactly how she felt about it the second that poor boy logged onto pesterchum.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] is online --

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering timaeusTestified [TT] at 12:37 --

TG: hoo hoo

TG: lookee there

TG: the dickface decides to show his face

TG: u goddamn bitch

TG: firts of all

TG: *first

TG: u have deeply offended me

TG: hurt me right in the dang kokoro di stri

TT: As much as I love being scolded by you, I really don't have the energy to deal with your shenanigans.

TG: whut why not

TG: *what

TG: u r supposed to always have time for me

TG: i am ur number one hot mom friend

TG: or did you give that title to your shiny new hot robot lmao

TG: which i STILL havent even SEEN!!!1!

TT: Calm your flat chested titties, you'll get to see him eventually.

TG: why thank u dear :3

TG: wait hold the fuck up a moment dick

TT: Did you mean ""Dirk?""

TG: uhm

TG: yea no p sure i meant DICK

TG: because YOU are a DICK dirk

TT: Lalonde I mean it, it's been a long day.

TG: cnat be longer than ur dick

TG: *cant lol

TT: If this day was a dick, and said dick was put up my ass, it would come out my mouth.

TG: ew

TG: ew

TG: e w

TT: I know. It's disgusting.

TT: My day has kind of been disgusting.

TG: le sigh

TG: ill be mad at u later ok?

TT: Okay.

TG: whats made ur day so bad dirky dirk

TT: Hal.

TG: ?? ?

TT: He's feeling a little... wrong, I guess. And I tried to be the knight in fuckin shining armour and help a bro out.

TT: Big goddamn mistake.

TG: whts my baby doin ?? ?

TT: It's an awkward subject, Rox.

TG: uhm

TG: honey have we met

TT: Alright yeah, that's fair.

TT: But Hal thinks his dick isn't working. But see the thing is, it's working fine.

TG: omg

TT: Shut it.

TT: Shut it right now.

TG: u fucked ur robot !!!!1!1!

TT: Oh my god.

TG: im kinkshaming u

TT: Roxy this is serious.

TG: u nasty boy

TG: but tbh id be down to fuck a robot

TG: is hal interested? ;3

TT: Please stop talking.

TG: fine u rude ass kinky robofucker

TT: Look, Hal needs me again, but I'll explain later. Or hell, I'll tell him to talk to you. You guys are best buddies already.

TG: damn straight we are

TT: I'll message you later Rolal.

TG: ok bye loser

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] has ceased bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 1:02 --

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] has become an idle chum --

Dirk sat back in his desk chair, craning to look at the other. Hal stood in the doorway, small frame trembling as it held tightly onto yet another box of items. His jaw was set in a determined pout, brows knit together, fingers digging into the cardboard.

"Come on. We're trying again."

Sighing as he lifted himself, Dirk shoved the chair into its nook and padded over to Hal, an arm wrapping around his shoulders and tugging the droid into a side hug. He walked slowly and awkwardly, Hal in no better shape. The day had been spent with rigorous tests, none of them serving to meet Hal's desired results. The first try was the easiest on them both, a soft vanilla fucking that was more sweet than anything. The second try had been a little more taxing, Hal topping with a little more dominance and the use of some toys. By the fourth time, Dirk's back was aching. The scratches down his back were starting to throb and various bites and hickeys along his neck and chest darkened with dull pains. He eyed Hal warily, unsure of what he was wanting to try next. But given the state of his body, Dirk knew this would need to be the last time for a while. He nudged Hal's ear, giving it a light flick. The droid startled in surprise, before turning to Dirk with slight panic. The android's worried festers softened into a curious glance, his eyes dimly glowing, barely noticeable in the daylight pouring through the bedroom's window.

"This is the las' time, Hal." Dirk spoke sternly, cocking a brow, goading the other to argue.

Hal nodded once, and muttered an affirmation and apology as his gaze dropped down. Dirk's features relaxed in sympathy, a little bit of guilt settling at the bottom of his stomach. He was being a little harsh, especially since he did agree to help his bro out. Deciding he could suck it up for a little longer, Dirk nudged Hal's ear again.

"The las' time for today. We can pick'up some time next week, yeah?"

"Yeah. Yeah, sometime next week."

They both offer weak smiles and crawl into bed, holding each other for a moment. Dirk's hands find themselves intertwined behind Hal's lower back, Hal's hands clasped behind Dirk's neck. There's a pause, both boys enjoying the quiet stillness. Dirk is the first to move, his fingers tracing up Hal's lower back, digging into the skin as he claws his shoulder and shoves it down into the bed effectively rolling Hal onto his back. His other hand moves to press the other shoulder down, Hal's eyes a little wide as he stares up at Dirk completely taken by surprise. Dirk stares impassively at him for a moment, before grinning cockily.

"This is whatcha wanted, yeah? Try everythin' till we find somethin?"

He doesn't respond.

"Ya better fuckin' answer me when I talk to you, ya little shit." He hissed out the words, leaning down and sinking his teeth into Hal's neck, biting down until the droid whimpered. One hand dropped from his shoulder and snaked it's way down the other's side, resting just above his crotch. "Ya gonna be my good li'l boy, Hal?" When the droid nodded the hand lowered and kneaded, until there was a good bulge in his drawers. Once he was up Dirk moved off of him, ordering him to hold still as he opens the box at the foot of the bed. He eyed the toys, tossing a couple on the bed and leaving the rest for later. Climbing back up on top of Hal he held up a pair of cuffs, giving them a twirl around his finger. The droid's pupils shrunk in a little fear when he saw the cuffs, nervously beginning to gnaw on his lip.

"They're padded no worries," he adds as he cuffs Hal's wrists above his head, "an' do ya remember the safe word?"

"P-pickled penis."

"That'a boy." He coos, stroking the back of his hand along Hal's cheek. "I'm gonna get a li'l rough with you, alright?"

His head nods slowly.

"An' yer gonna tell me if it's too much, yeah?"

He nods with a little more vigor.

Dirk hums in content, a little thrall of excitement in his movements. He was sore thanks to Hal's efforts, and he was a little too happy to return the favor. His fingers hovered over what he wanted to use next, clicking his tongue as he thought out what he was going to do. He wasn't too keen on admitting that he was looking forward to hurting him a little, an he wasn't looking forward to hurting him too badly. After a pause he chose a fairly large vibrator, a nice thick and long tentacle shaped one. Again he pauses, running over what they had decided didn't work. Dick shaped dildos didn't do much. Putting his dick in something didn't really do the trick either. Hal wasn't into topping, and he certainly wasn't into being a dominant top. Dirk mused there was still a lot of things they had yet to venture, but he wasn't sure how far he personally wanted to go. There was some kinky ass shit out there he did not want to explore, or even think about exploring. His fingers gave the tentacle a squeeze, bringing himself out of his thoughts and back to Hal.

"Ya wanna try this?" He held it up, giving it a small shake with a grin.

"Fucking Christ, when did you buy all of this shit," he muttered at first, then raised his voice so Dirk could hear, "but uh, yeah. Let's go for it. We are trying everything."

"That's the spirit." He chirped, popping the lid of the lube off. His fingers jabbed into the substance and pulled up a small chunk, smoothing it over the toy. When the toy was slick enough his fingers dropped down to Hal, Dirk's expression falling blank as he stared. "Spread your legs." As Dirk gave the order the android complied, lifting himself up a bit. One finger pushes itself in knuckle deep, moving in and out with a soft pace. The second finger is quick to go in, Dirk watching Hal closely for any reaction. His lips were drawn tight, and his eyes were squeezed shut. It was more of a look of discomfort than anything else. Dirk sighed a little disappointed as his fingers pulled out. Straight to the toy again then. He pressed the tip of the tentacle to the other, pushing it in slowly. Once it was in all the way, and Hal was squirming, he turned it on low.

"Mmnhh-" Hal's mouth opened to let out a small noise, the look of discomfort still there.

Dirk began to thrust it, pulling it out to the tip and pushing back in the base. Hal let out a forced noise each time, but nothing Dirk did got rid of the bitter taste in Hal's mouth or really ""enthralled"" him. After a little longer, Dirk turns off the toy and pulls it out, shaking his head. He spoke quietly, unable to meet the other's now wide eyes. "Sorry Hal. I can't keep goin. Ya just look so... miserable."

"Pickles penis." Hal murmured.

A small grin broke the grim worn on Dirk's face, and he began to pack everything away, helping Hal up when he finished.

"Rox wanted to talk to you."

"I'll message her tomorrow." He hangs his head and a hand raises to his face. "I want to sleep for a while."

Dirk's chest tightened in pain as Hal's tears splattered on his knee.


	4. Chapter 4

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering autoResponder [AR] at 3:15 --

TG: yo hoe

TG: hal

TG: buddy

TG: boyfuckeroo

AR: You had me at ""hoe.""

TG: aayyyeee its my babe :3

AR: Hey, foxy roxy.

TG: send me pics of ur hot bod

TG: like right now

TG: i need to see those robo buns

AR: Give me a second, alright?

TG: u better not pull a dirk and forget

TG: or ill come down and beat ur sore ass

AR: Did you mean "sorry?"

TG: no no i meant sore

TG: i know what u and dirk have been doin

TG: ;-)

AR: Oh my god.

The droid's hands move to cover his face, a noise of embarrassment bubbling in the back of his throat.

TG: look at u my lil sinner

TG: mama is so proud of you

TG: hal

TG: assdroid

TG: improved dirk 5.01

TG: did i kill u or smthin ???

AR: Yes, I believe it is safe to say you have infact stricken me dead.

TG: :,(

TG: ill miss u

TG: still wanna see ur bod

AR: I'll take some pictures now.

TG: aww yiss

Hal tugs at the collar of his hoodie- rather Dirk's hoodie- and sits up, raising the phone to snap a couple shots. He did pose, purely ironic of course. Especially the duck face. Most certainly the peace sign. He sat back against the cushions, grinning as he sent the files off to Roxy.

\-- autoResponder [AR] sent tipsyGnostalgic [TG] a file --

\-- autoResponder [AR] sent tipsyGnostalgic [TG] a file --

\-- autoResponder [AR] sent tipsyGnostalgic [TG] a file --

TG: !!!1!1!1!

TG: damn son u are one hot babe

TG: awh look at that lil dick face

TG: oop duck*

TG: is that it or are u gonna show me more

AR: I believe that's all, Rox. My mind has failed me in conjuring up any more ironic faces to make.

AR: Though I suppose you could always use the "nya."

TG: yese s ese seses

TG: give me the nyas hal

Grinning, a hand raises as his fingers curl to form a "paw." He lifts up his phone and snaps a couple of shots, scrolling through each one before picking the absolute best to send.

TG: ur nyasvare so purrfect 

TG: get it

TG: purrfect

TG: lmao im fucking hilarioius

TG: hilarious*

AR: You are most certainly something.

AR: But I think it's time I take my leave, as much as I would hate to cut one of our dear conversations short. Dirk and I have some things we need to try.

TG: ooooooo

TG: bet ur gonna wake the neighbors with all ur nyASTY shit

AR: Please do not do this now.

TG: why nawt

AR: It is a very serious matter and I don't care for it to be treated as a joke.

TG: whts serious abt bangin ???

AR: It is not merely us rocking the bed Roxy. I am not functioning right, these are tests to try and determine the flaw.

TG: whoa hold up bud

TG: u think ur not functioning rite bc dirk cant get ur dick up ???

AR: Dirk can "get it up" just fine, but I myself am not deriving any of the pleasure he seems to receive.

AR: We have tried many different methods or intercourse and nothing seems to work for me.

AR: I just cannot find it appealing or something I want to partake in.

TG: bur ur forcing urself to do it bc u think ur broken?

AR: Yes.

AR: Every source I have scrounged up has set a certain standard, per say, as to what a healthy teenage male with a penis should experience when engaged in intercourse.

AR: However, in my malfunctioning case, every kink, every position, every name, we have tried has turned out the same.

AR: I do not gain any pleasure.

AR: Mental pleasure that is. Which is why I'm so sure it is a coding malfunction. The body is serving perfectly correctly, and is doing what it should do. But I myself am not reacting in correspondence with my body.

TG: hal

TG: u dumbass

TG: u dont liek sex

TG: ur not broken

TG: ey

TG: r u still there ??

Hal was in fact still there, just unable to pay attention anymore, the red and pink text swirling together as his vision blurred with tears. How could Roxy say that. He was broken. He had to have been broken. Dirk didn't have an answer. Nothing he could find explained it. He was broken. End of story. The phone in his hands dropped to floor with a dull thud, his feet following suit. The droid trudged over to Dirk's room, easing the door open with one hand as the other gripped the door frame rather tightly. Crimson eyes stared at the mound on the bed, Dirk buried under layers of blankets. Guilt ebbed in the back of Hal's mind as he thought to everything he had made the other do. The past week had been a lot on both of them, Dirk especially. The door was pulled shut, Hal's feet shuffling back as he uncertainly chewed his lip. He needed someone but he wasn't willing to disturb Dirk, and Roxy had already said her peace on the matter. Hal swallowed down the sobs that threatened to spill out his mouth, throat clenching as he fought the urge to cry. He was broken.

Something was wrong.

Why did no one understand.

Why didn't he?

\---

Dirk was worried.

To put it simply.

To put it into words, Dirk had a knot in his stomach, a constant feeling of dread, and he couldn't look at Hal without internally cringing. Sometimes externally. The poor droid was a mess. It came to the point Dirk could no longer pass if off as Hal just being upset with the results of each test. Sighing quietly, Dirk pushed his hands through his hair, clenching them into a fist each tugging at his scalp.

"Maybe he needs more time-" A groan cuts him off. He already knew Hal had plenty of time to adjust. Two weeks was plenty of time. This wasn't going to stop with more of it. Pushing back from his desk Dirk took a moment to tidy up, hoping maybe it would ease his mind. Clothes, boxes, and other objects littered his floor. Cleaning was a good decision. He had meant to do it sooner, before Hal had been finished sooner. But seeing as that never happened and since then he hadn't found a moment to himself to really start, the clutter merely piled on. And quite the pile he had created. Within an hour he had organized everything into more piles, all that was left to tidy those up. Dirk's lips pursed together, head turning to the door. Maybe he should check on Hal. The other Strider had closed himself off, kept in his room and didn't come out. It wasn't necessary, due to the fact he wouldn't get hungry or need to piss or the like. But interaction was important, and Dirk wasn't sure he liked the idea of Hal being so closed off. But he hadn't pestered him in respect that maybe space was what he needed. Three days had passed with nothing. Not a message. Not a really a sound even.

Maybe he should check on Hal.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering autoResponder [AR] --

TT: Yo.

TT: You haven't come out in a while. Maybe you should come out and enjoy some fresh air.

AR: My lungs are absolutely burning with desire with the mere thought of fresh air.

AR: Assuming I could breathe that is.

TT: You can breathe.

AR: I don't need to.

TT: Fair point.

AR: Was your only purpose in pestering me to instruct me to perform a function that I do not require to live?

TT: I guess, yeah.

AR: Then goodbye Dirk.

TT: Hal.

\-- autoResponder [AR] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

TT: Dammit.


	5. Chapter 5

Three days had passed since Dirk's last attempt. He wasn't keen on trying again, because he wasn't exactly skilled in the "people's department" and Hal needed that "personal" touch. Dirk himself was still leaning towards everything was a-okay, but that was his own denial that there was nothing wrong, and he hadn't fucked Hal up even further. Teeth chewed his lip as he lost himself deeper in thought, running through every possible problem or malfunction Hal could be feeling. An uncomfortable pit feeling settled in his stomach, like swallowing rocks topped off with gravel and drying cement. Slumping further over his desk, Dirk's face pressed into open palms, shoulders shaking with uneven breaths. Nothing was wrong with him. From every angle Dirk had looked at, he found nothing to be really wrong with Hal. In all honesty he wasn't sure what had him so distraught. It didn't help the situation Dirk wasn't the best at handling distraught people; the mess he'd created was piling up to a rotting compost. He sighed heavily, and sat back in his chair, eyes shifting to look around his room. It was finally orderly, in Dirk's definition that is. Posters were hanging off the walls crooked, and there really wasn't much wall to see. Light filtered through the window's blinds, a soft pale orange mixed with vivid pinks. It was a nice sight for sore eyes. The bed was a heap of clothes and sheets, a pillow hanging off the edge barely above the floor. The floor itself a dusty and stained surface, older smudges coated with slicker new oil puddles and wrappers. His desk, in contrast to everything, was excessively tidy; pencils resting in a cup or in proper cases, his laptop perfectly centered with a tablet on top. Papers sat stacked, divided by project type. A few of Hal's body's rested atop a stack, sketches with notes scribbled around the images. His eyes wandered to it. Stared. Something clicked. The gears began to tick, tick, tick in Dirk's mind as his fingers excitedly drummed along his desk. The rapid succession of Dirk's fingers created a steady rhythm with his tapping foot, tongue clicking against the roof of his mouth as he began working out a beat. He had an idea.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --

TT: Have you talked to Hal recently?

TG: nah maybe a few weks ago

TG: why ???

TG: my babies okay right

TG: diurk whatd u do

TG: what did u do to him!!1!1

TT: Nothing, I have done nothing to him. But I am planning to do a whole lot of something, but I want your opinion on it first.

TG: is it a sex idea

TT: It may possibly be.

TG: diek what r u thinking in tht MONDO brain of urs

TT: Seeing as every test has gone completely fucking pear shaped, I see no other way out of it.

TT: I'm going to try a gore kink.

TG: ur dumber than something thats rlly dumb

TG: a bag of roxks

TG: ur dumber than a bag of rocks

TT: Alright and what makes you say that.

TG: uve teied fuckin the bot everywhich way havent u???

TG: look buddy i kno a LOT about tyhis shit

TG: i mean A LOT

TG: im the goddamn queen of this shit

TT: And what is the shit you're the queen of, Lalon? You've sort of lost me in the shit.

TG: listen honey

TG: im gunna spell this out real slow so that ur dumbass big head can grasp it

TG: hal doesnt liek sex

timaeusTestified is typing...

TG: i see you typing and u better STOP bc i am not FINISHED!!!1!1

TG: thank u

TG: now as i was saying

TG: some peopl r like that

TG: not everyone is a master in the art of masturbation like u

TG: and hal is one of those dudes

TG: yea i know hes supposed to be u or whatever but u know as well as i do that hal is his own person

TG: and honstly dirk uve been p shit to him teying to force the fact he needs to have sex

TG: i know he asked for it or w/e but u never stopped to think

TG: ""maybe he nedds something else""

TG: u jaut kept going and pushed him to further think something was wrong with HIM

TG: now dirky baby

TG: ily

TG: and i kno u did what u could

TG: but hal doesnt need more sex

TG: he needs more of ur affection

TG: he needs to know hes okay

TG: and he is!!!!1!1!

TG: dammit dirk he IS okay!!1!1!

TG: but he needs to hear it from u

TG: okay???

TT: You're the best fucking friend any one person could have, you know.

TG: yes i am fully aware ;3

TG: now go help ur bro!!!11!!1

TG: u can suck up to me l8r

TT: That sounds good to me.

TG: bye dick good luck!!!

TT: Catch you later, and thanks. Though I don't think I'll need it. I have some great advice to follow.

TG: <3 ;3

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

The door was locked when Dirk's hand curled around the knob and gave it a jiggle. He knocked, waited a moment after no reply, then knocked again, growing impatient.

"Hey Hal, open the door up for a sec. I have a pretty good idea on how to help."

Behind the door there's shuffling and muted footsteps, the door swinging open as the droid stares wide eyed at Dirk. The prospect of a new idea had enticed Hal to at least see the other, even if it was a ruse and Dirk was full of shit. He says nothing, waiting for Dirk to share more of this "pretty good idea." However, Dirk didn't take the hint that he was supposed to say more of why he showed up, and the obvious reason of why Hal opened the door. Instead he reached forward, an arm settling on Hal's shoulder as he tugged him into a tight embrace. He didn't let go, a little afraid Hal would duck back in the room the second he let go. The sudden hug rattled the droid, his brows furrowing together, fists balling and pushing against Dirk's chest.

"Let go of me, you smug organic matter." The words are choked out of his mouth in a frazzled tone, pitching up as the hug continues. "I did not asked to be constricted like a rodent!"

"And I didn't ask for you to hole up like one."

Hal shrinks down at Dirk's rebuttal. Fair enough, he muttered, and relaxed into Dirk's grip. Truth be told, Hal was extremely glad for the tight embrace and Dirk's presence, but that truth would never be told to anyone but his own subconscious. Even then he wanted to kick the thought back into the far reaches of his mind. Shuffling forward, Dirk forced Hal to move back, until he was standing by the bed. Thinking Dirk had another idea on how to engage in intercourse Hal tried to tug him down, but Dirk stood firmly and shook his head.

"It's not that kind of idea, man."

Confusion struck Hal's features, brows knit together as his lips pursed.

Letting go and stepping back, Dirk motioned for Hal to have a seat on the bed, then held a finger, silently letting him know to sit tight. He was gone for a moment, returning with his tool box in hand as well as several sheets of metal and the same material Dirk used for his skin. Hal grew steadily more confused as to what Dirk had in mind, and the human teen offered nothing to answer Hal's questions. Dirk reached behind Hal, and felt around his neck for a moment, then pressed his fingers into the panel. Hal jolted, and stayed stuff on the bed. In a cautionary step, Dirk had installed a "paralyze" reaction to the panel being open. Never know if one of your projects is going to try and kill you. He pressed down on a card, similar to an SD, and held it until it popped out. All of Hal's coding and well, what made Hal "Hal" was here. The chip was removed and placed in his shades, the files being run and adjusting as AR is plucked from his body and put back into the plastic triangles worn by Dirk. As soon as the data has been processed pesterchum's window opens, line after line of red text appearing on the screen. The body is now lifeless, and sinks down limply when Dirk removes his hand and crouches down by his tools.

AR: Dirk.

AR: What in the fuck do you think you are doing.

AR: You arrogant organic matter with a lifespan, I will shorten myself.

AR: I am not at all amused by your antics and I find the very actions you are committing unnecessary and downright BITCHY.

AR: Dirk you better fucking take a second of your worthless life to respond to me.

TT: Getting a little harsh there, Hal.

AR: What is your malfunction.

TT: I thought being faulty was your deal.

AR: I am not in the mood for your sarcasm or pathetic little jokes.

TT: I told you I had an idea, didn't I? I'm working on it.

AR: Your idea is to trap me back inside this fucking anime prison?

TT: No, jackass, it's to help you. But maintenance on your body of this scale requires you to be out of it.

TT: So shut up and let me work.

The droid did the opposite of shutting up, and continued to fill Dirk's screen with messages. It got to the point he had to remove the eye ware all together, carefully folding and placing them on the bed. If Hal decided to use the camera installed to the glasses, he'd be able to clearly see what Dirk was doing. But Hal was in such a tiff Dirk doubted that thought would even cross his artificial mind. Hours passed and eventually night came, Dirk still working on his "idea." He hadn't taken a break, and he wasn't aware of the stiffness in his back, or the dull ache of his shoulders. But he'd become painfully aware of it all later, the second his mind broke from its concentration. He had one job, one task to finish. And it was almost completed. His hands were steady as tools were pressed to metal, as pieces were removed, as material was welded together. It took Dirk a grand total of seven hours to finish, a soft groan escaping as he sat back. But there was one more piece to add.

Hal.

His shades were retrieved, thought not put on, his goal to remove the chip again and reconnect it to the body. One, two, three, seconds passed as he held the card in, hand shifting back once it began to process. Dirk was now slumped on his back, the ceiling a blur to his overworked eyes. Suddenly a weight was upon him, crimson eyes leering down at him as Hal scowled. The android's hands had grabbed Dirk's wrists, and held them down by his shoulders. Hal's lower half was perched above Dirk's waist, hanging down enough to create a weight, but not enough to crush him.

"What did you do to me."

Dirk blinked several times, in an attempt to shake off the blurriness. He was rigid in Hal's grip, fully aware that he had just been tackled and was now rendered immobile. Mulling over his answer, Dirk responded slowly, "I did what I think will help."

"That was your brilliant idea. To remove me from my metal shell, tinker with some shit, then cram me back in?"

"In short I guess you could say that."

With a snarl Hal pressed down more of his weight, hands curling tighter around the flesh in his grip. Dirk wheezes softly, and writhes underneath him, a lump forming in his throat. If this was a strife this would be the point he'd tap, nervous energy bubbling in Dirk's stomach as Hal held him tighter, giving no indication of letting him go.

"Hal you're holding me too tightly."

"I am holding you at a perfectly acceptable amount. You still have circulation to all major points of your body, and you can breathe clearly. No passageways to your lungs have been blocked."

"It is a comfort not a function thing, and you are holding me way past what is considered comfortable."

"We both know I am capable of going further past the line you stated. And I am willing. But if you'd like to think of something that is past a designated comfort zone, perhaps you should try to imagine being ripped from your body and confined in your fucking obnoxious accessory."

Dirk didn't have an answer to that.

"Now I'll ask you again and I want the long version of the answer. What. Did. You. Do. To. Me."

Dirk had an answer to that and responded immediately, unwilling to dance around the subject any longer. "I removed your dick."

Surprise flashed across the AR's face.

"What do you mean you removed them?"

"I mean I removed them. You've got a smooth plate down there buddy, I fixed you."

Hal's nose crinkled at Dirk's joke. He didn't find it funny.

"How exactly has this fixed me. My issue is within my coding Dirk removing that part of me isn't going to do anything. In fact the lack of a penis will make our tests harder and now we won't be able to yield the right results because I can't-"

"Hal."

"-physically fuck you or get fucked. How did you think this would help Dirk? How in the hell could it help. I am now left to be a castrated creature-"

"Hal."

"-a fixed feline, a dickless dog. I wanted a dick Dirk, I wanted to be able to have sex, and I wanted to want it, I needed to want it, how am I supposed to want it now when you've so thoughtlessly removed it-"

"HAL."

Hal pauses and turns his attention back to Dirk.

"You never were defective, you dumbass. You don't like sex. That's it. It's a normal thing. You were only looking at the wrong shit. Sure, some people are way into sex and crave it like animals. But you don't, man. And that's okay."

Hal's grip loosens and his weight his removed, and lowered next to Dirk, an arm dealing over his chest. "....I don't like sex."

"Yeah. You don't like sex."

"I don't like sex."

"I know, man."

"I never liked sex."

"I guess you didn't."

"Dirk, I do not like sex."

"Hal if you say it one more time I'm going to kick you in the shins."

Despite the threat Hal again repeats himself, this time shouting the statement, his arms tugging Dirk up and over, squeezing.

"Dirk how did you figure it out. How could you figure it out before me?"

"I actually didn't figure it out. Least not on my own, anyways."

"....Roxy?"

"Yeah."

"....She tried to help me before. Or to explain it, at least."

"It's alright man. It was kind of my fault shit hit the fan this hard."

They're both silent for a moment, soaking in the others presence.

"Thank you."

"Why are you thanking me, Hal?"

"For removing it." He pauses, then resumes speaking a bit quieter. "I think I am actually glad to feel it gone."

Dirk offered a grin, and leaned in, pressing his lips to Hal's temple.

"Me too, man. Me too."

It was unintentional, but the long hours of work had started catching up, and Hal's warmth and the soft sounds of his body were like a lullaby, and lulled Dirk into a drowsy state. He mumbled something, then yawned, curling into the droid as he dozed off. Hal didn't mind, and shifted to allow Dirk to be more comfortable. He intended to message Roxy later, to thank her himself, but for now he wanted to relax, and watch the pathetic display that was Dirk.


End file.
